The turning point

A time comes when the pain is not all consuming.  In that moment, we suddenly know that we have somehow survived the terrible, brutal, crushing pain of the loss.  We know we have experienced appalling tragedy, yet have not been destroyed.  Suicide has become a part of our life and yet we are hopeful .

Silence can be an enemy

Give sorrow words, the grief that does not speak
Whispers the oe'r fraught heart, and bids it break.
Macbeth {4:3:245}

A Crisis of Meaning

Amidst the traumatic loss of a loved one and the devastation of the survivors, grief punctures any "taken-for-granted" world of meaning and value. A search for a new, wider compass of meanings begins. We must reconstruct our purpose and our priorities. Ultimately, we need to have some grasp on the big picture if we are ever to trust again.

...as long as it takes

It seems that just when we thought we were through it to the other side, we get startled by some deeper, unexpressed grief. It is then as hard as in that first hour, yet the pain lingers moments shorter, as time and the grieving process both mysteriously go about their habits.

For Those Left Behind

No gentle deathbed parting, this death by suicide. Though most will one day get on with our lives with less difficulty than might be imagined, we survivors have also been handed a life sentence. We will move on and yet...

...Time does not heal,
It makes a half-stitched scar
That can be broken and again you feel
Grief as total as in its first hour.
--Elizabeth Jennings

Amidst the disbelief, suffering, and anguished questioning; amidst the terrible missing, the hole gashed in one's heart; amidst the agonizing guilt, a commitment to life must be made.

Look to the living, love them, and hold on.
--Douglas Dunn

The Haunting Question Why?

Even though the answer may never be fully known, it is important we continue asking the question “why?” someone suicides. Asking this dreaded question, which cuts more sharply than a blade, is itself a part of the healing process. Only when we tire of the search or are satisfied with partial answers, can we truly begin to move on.

There are as many reasons why someone suicides as there are individuals who do suicide. Our view is that among all the individual differences, there are some things all these individuals have in common. We believe that virtually everyone develops what might be called microfractures within the architecture of their personality. In the absence of specific kinds or a certain magnitude of stress, a person might live their entire life and never even entertain the possibility of suicide. Yet with certain kinds or certain degrees of stress, these microfractures can slip, causing tremors that develop dangerous fault-lines within the personality that show up as symptoms and elevate the risk of suicide. With a confluence of stresses, located at a vulnerable fracture point and occurring at precisely the wrong time, an earthquake can occur resulting in the kind of implosion and collapse that finds expression in suicide.

Of course this earthquake causes immediate and intense devastation for the survivors. These aftershocks will continue to tax our well being for many months and frequently many years to come. The process of rebuilding a devastated life, of climbing out of the ashes and rubble left in the wake of tragedy is slow and painful. Maintaining health through rest and diet and exercise facilitates the rebuilding process. Overcoming silence and isolation and staying connected with those who care are imperative. Talking about what has happened and sharing feelings with people that care is part of the healing and rebuilding process. There will be good days and bad days, yet one distant day there will appear a sense that a new normal has arrived; that miraculously we have somehow let go.

Going Day by Day

Each day is a struggle. But with the dawning of each new day, the struggle gets miraculously easier.